Danish

Conversation between P.A. and myself at Dane’s 15-month well check:

P.A.: “So how many words is Dane saying?”

Me: “Oh, I think he has five or six.”

P.A. (with wide-eyed, you don’t know? bad mommy look): “Are you sure?”

Me, flustered: “You know,” I say. “He says:

Mama, Dada, and Bumpa (which I’m pretty sure means Grampa)

UPUPUPUPUPUPUP. Up. Mama. UP.

(Not to be confused with) BupBup (Puppy)

(Or to be confused with) Bah (could mean ball, or what a sheep says)

(Ditto with) Buh(n) (Jellycat Bunny)

(Also not to be confused with) Buh (which most definitely means bus, and very weirdly at exactly the right times that the school bus is coming. Sometimes I listen to his tummy for a tick-tock a la the crocodile in Peter Pan, WHAT?)”

P.A. sighs. I continue. “Also in the B’s are:

Booh (unrelated to Halloween, usually when he’s carrying around an Ugg or one of our cowboy boots, shortly followed by) Ahn? and then AHF! and then a wail of disapproval, followed by Ahn! Ahn! Ahf! Ahn! and then Coffee, Mama?

At this, P.A. cocks his head and opens his mouth, but by then I’m on a roll and so I say, “And there’s:

Cookuu (cookie), coffee (literally, just like he was ordering at Starbucks, see above), coco (open), GoGoGOGOGOGOGO (sometimes to be confused with open until it’s paired with a garbled OUTSIDE, MAMA), Ju (if you don’t know what that means, you don’t have a toddler), and my two personal favorites, tea (almost always followed by Mama and a disapproving look) and teekle-teekle (usually accompanied by his hands on his tummy and chest or sometimes by him rolling over on his back and looking at me expectantly. Either he’s Cheech Marin or part basset hound, I don’t know.)”

Here I take a breath, and the P.A. opens his mouth again but I see where this is going, and quite frankly I’m still annoyed by his earlier look and enjoying my little soliloquy, so before he can get anything out, I launch again:

“And then there are the randoms:

‘Patula, potty, teetee (last two related), locked, unlock, yuckee, yuckee diaper (pronounced more like yu-eee di-er), trash, ‘Dis?, ‘Dat?, yeah (followed by nod of self-approval), Luke-Laura (our neighbors), sp-sp (spray bottle) and lately we’ve also been getting the occasional reh (red) and various other garbled colors. And the rest of the foods: nana, buhbuhbuh (blueberry), PUFF. PUFF. PUFF. PUFF. PUFFPUFFPUFFPUFF,cheetoh, chicka, CHEEEEEEEEEZE, vacah (avocado), papa (pasta, not to be confused with BupBup, especially if pasta in mouth when spoken), tita (tortilla, thanks, A.B.) and then there are the animals and their sounds, starting with – “

But before I start mooing and quacking and hissing, the P.A. holds up his hand and waves it in front of my face.

“Great,” he says, but now he’s got even more of a funny look on his face, and I’m so self-satisfied that Dane not only knows five or six words, HE HAS A WHOLE FREAKING LEXICON, Y’ALL, that I don’t realize until I’m walking out the door that I’ve just told our doctor that Dane is a soap-opera addicted Cheetoh hound who thinks Starbucks is a food group, gets locked in and out of the bathroom and cross-dresses in his mama’s shoes, or in short, that I’m Britney Spears circa 2008. Because, well, YES, THAT’S MOSTLY TRUE.

Cookie, anyone?

Smooch -s

p.s. (a week later, don’t hate me, I have a toddler and a cold and a cheetoh/soap habit to feed) – I’m going to participate in “yeah, write” for a few weeks here, so if you’re one of my three or four lurkers, go on over, check it out (there are lots of good writers over there!!) and (DUH) vote for me!

29 thoughts on “Danish

  1. I wish pediatricians would send out a pre-exam form to fill out. I hate being stumped at the appointment! “Does she speak in plurals, such as ‘doggies, horses, etc?'” Me: “uhhh, hmmmm, well…letseee…I know she says ‘mines’ as in “that’s yours and this is mines.’ does that count?”

    • Seriously. I get so nervous every time we go because I’m still waiting for the day that the doctor comes in and says, “Wait! We just realized you’re completely unqualified to be a mom!” In the meantime, I’m going to keep feeding Dane cheetohs just as long as he’ll eat them! :)

    • Thanks! I’d already waited thirty minutes in the exam room to see him (with a mostly naked, very tired toddler), so I was already disinclined to be very friendly. I’ll work harder at it next time!

    • I’m sort of a talker… but it’s funny to hear what I say spit back at me. I should really stop drinking coffee – I swear it’s his favorite word! If he says “Starbucks” next then I know I’m really in trouble…

  2. That whole last paragraph just about keeled me over from laughter!!! That was brilliant. How cute is your little guy thoroughly, without a doubt, enjoying that coocoo? Love the way toddlers talk and I always wonder where they come up with some of the words they do. My 2 year old calls his soother (yes, he STILL has one) a ‘zazzy’ and ice cream is “eye-oh”. No idea but it’s damn cute!

    • I’m so glad it made you laugh because after I got over the realization I’d just outed so many of our bad habits to the doctor I got in my car and laughed until I cried. I love watching them get so much happiness from something that seems so common to me (like a cookie or ice cream, AH ICE CREAM YUM.). And I still have my teddy bear from when I was Dane’s age, so don’t worry about that soothie – we should all take so much happiness and comfort wherever we can find it! :)

    • thanks! isn’t it funny how they all sort of glom on to the same words? although i think with dane it’s sort of genetic – i’m fairly certain my first word was cookie! :)

    • thanks! i’m hoping to hang out in your treehouse some because god knows i don’t have the first clue what i’m doing… also, it’s good to hear i’m not the only one who considers cheetohs to have some cultural value!

    • thanks! is it possible doctors and pa’s are required to learn disdainful looks in med school? maybe it has more to do with the patient (or patient’s mom, in this case…)

  3. Wow, I’m impressed! And I’m kind of feeling like my almost 15-month-old is a little dumb. His only true word is “cat,” which he uses for all pets – cats, dogs, fish. I guess our early morning viewings of Gossip Girl aren’t teaching him enough :)

    • thanks and that’s AWESOME, i can’t voich for gossip girl, but i’m fairly sure that project runway and survivor have taught dane at least 1/3 of his vocabulary (how he has not yet learned FIERCE! is beyond me). actually, to be honest, the only reason i can’t voich for gossip girl is because i have the entire last season dvr’ed but i’m still trying to catch up on project runway and survivor. also, dane’s pretty sure that all birds and some fish say quack. :)

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