Today in the Mommyhood, Day 534 (Part: Shots, Anyone?)

I went to the grocery store today.

Now there’s a way to start a post. Is your heart pounding? Breath coming in short, quick bursts? Has Fabio appeared at your doorway to sweep you off to the bedroom? If so, you’re welcome.

If not, well, have another chocolate goldfish and stay with me.

So I head off to the grocery store, and when I get there I throw my keys somewhere and retrieve the cart and load Dane up, yadayadayada, and when I’m finally ready to go into the store, I reach for my keys to lock the car and, of course, I can’t find them. And I check all my pockets and the cart and the seats and when it becomes painfully, obviously clear that they’re not anywhere else, I finally turn to my purse. Now, I’ve always been a big purse, carry-the-kitchen-sink kind of girl, and, as you might imagine, having a baby has only, ahem, amplified that habit. And of course, because I’m totally occupied with Dane and making sure his mucus stays contained to the four parking spots around us, and because I’m still a little sleep-deprived, I dig around for, no joke, probably four or five minutes before I realize the only way I’m going to find those damn keys is to actually clean out my purse on the trunk of my rental vehicle. And you know what I found in there? No? Well, allow me to share:

The Obvious: my wallet, itself the size of a small clutch, and so stuffed with receipts the zipper is permanently jammed halfway open; reading glasses, because I’m old; sunglasses, also because I’m old but refuse to believe I’m no longer cool; four tubes of Burt’s bees, because, like socks in the dryer, my purse EATS THAT SHIT; and a bottle opener, because, really, how many times have you wished you had one? and because, let’s face it, I’m just that kind of girl.

The Baby-Related: a diaper pod, for obvious reasons; three types of wipes, for general sanitization, sensitive skin, and Boogie Wipes because OHMYGODWILLTHEMUCUSEVEREND; a bottle of sanitizer (see previous); three matchbox cars, two sets of toy keys (none of which fit the car) and a toy laptop; a week-old snack trap filled with fossilized goldfish and Cheerios; industrial-strength playtex super-super-plus tampons; a bottle of adult ibuprofen; and Dane’s sunglasses, missing one lens and mangled into the shape of a pretzel.

The Random: Roughly fourteen thousand loose goldfish, Cheerios and bunny grahams; two semi-eaten post-it pads (and yes, I mean literally semi-eaten, by small baby teeth); three hair clips, missing since roughly the dawn of time; a golf-ball sized ball of actual dryer lint (to which I respond, WTF, PURSE? are you having a tryst with my appliances? should I expect dirty dishes to show up next?); several beer bottle caps, which I’ve never before seen but am certain are the responsibility of my spouse; a twist tie; a dead ladybug; and two small quartz landscaping rocks from my neighbor’s mailbox bed (sorry, Denise.).

The Obscene: Fourteen Boogie Wipes in varying stages of decomposition, all encrusted with mucus; one just-slightly dirty diaper balled up into a very small, tight ball (so THAT’S where that went!); and one pair of women’s underwear that I’m mostly certain belong to me but have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA HOW THEY ENDED UP IN MY PURSE.

Yes. So there I am, standing in the middle of my neighborhood grocery store parking lot with a dead ladybug, some tampons, beer paraphernalia and a pair of random underwear spread out on the trunk of my car, and people are walking by and checking me out like I’m my own personal flea market, and yet I STILL HAVE NO KEYS. And then, as if by a stroke of magic, my phone buzzes in my pocket and I reach in there, and voila, of course:

F***ing. Keys.


When chocolate goldfish happen to good people…

Smooch -s

77 thoughts on “Today in the Mommyhood, Day 534 (Part: Shots, Anyone?)

  1. So I am out-loud-cracking-up reading this, thinking of course they are ON TOP OF YOUR CAR. duh.
    Up-shoe fancy feet number one asks what is so funny…she sees the pic of Dane and gasps: Whaaaat is on his face??? Chocolate goldfish, I reply. Another gasp and then: Awww, he is old enough to wear goldfish now!! He is such a big boy.
    As if it is understood food is to be worn.
    And then, a final gasp and the biggest question of all: If she can’t find her keys, canshestillcometoourhouse?!!
    Feel the love. and clean out that purse before going through security.

    • BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that is TOTALLY the first place i looked. it’s like we share a brain or something.

      fancy feet #1, have no fear: THE SUSU IS COMING.

      p.s. remind me not to blog after two beers. bad plan that.

  2. The ONLY reason I ever clean out my purse is because I can’t find something that I know is in there, which is why I frequently dump a year’s worth of receipts and gum wrappers into a parking garage trash can. I’m sure I look like I’m up to something.

    This made me laugh out loud many times.

    • glad you liked it – i will confess a suspicion that a small person who likes to “help” me with the laundry might have stuffed them in there. but how long did they go unnoticed? that’s the real question…

      • i could share something similar that is really unpleasant going along the lines of that diaper find but subbing in the tampon thing…but i’ll stop there…and I’ve said too much already :P

    • oh yes, because apparently childbirth changes your entire, ahem, sanitary napkin repertoire. i mean. glad you liked it! (wedgie) (lmfao) (still) also, good luck with that mother-in-law thing.

  3. Loved this. I love posts about everyday common situations that when put down in words are actually hilarious. I laughed, cringed and pictured myself at that trunk. Great post!

  4. Bwahaha! That sounds like my purse, except subtract the bottle opener (I’m not that clever) and add disposable, lanolin-treated breast pads that I accidentally handed to my mom when I thought I was grabbing a packet of tissues. Plus my purse is really a diaper bag, which makes me feel that much seedier when I rummage around in it to find my flask.

    • i think i’ve read this comment four times and i’m stil laughing every time. you have put exactly how i feel down in one sentence: “Plus my purse is really a diaper bag, which makes me feel that much seedier when I rummage around in it to find my flask.” STORY. OF. MY. LIFE. deeply, thank you.

  5. This is hilarious. Are you sure you weren’t looking in my car? Last weekend, my husband spilled his beer. I reached in my purse and handed him a diaper to clean it up. There were two broken goldfish (the cracker, not the actual animal) and a used band aid stuck to it. Add some spilled Bud Light, and it was the most disgusting diaper since my son had the squirts last month.

  6. hilarious…and I can totally relate1 I have a huge purse and VERY heavy. Kids use to like to predict how much it weighted and then put it on the scale at the grocery store. So glad someone else has a purse full of random crap! Also I went nuts looking for my cell phone once..I was so crazed I todl DH I gotta get off the phone (yes I was talking on the cell phone that I was frantically searching for) so I can find my damn phone.

  7. I think they call it “mommy brain”! I’m past the baby toddler stage, thankfully! Now my purse is a lot lighter (and smaller), and my car is… I want to say cleaner, but THAT will never happen!

  8. Absolutely hysterical. My favorite was the bit about the lint ball. I actually lost my keys yesterday. I was talking to my dad on the phone, turned off the car, went to get my 2 yr old and baby out of the car, and – all of a sudden my keys were missing. I must have spent 5 minutes looking for them, my 2 year old helping the whole time. They were in my back pocket, which I only found because I put my hands on my butt to stretch my back. (Don’t ask.) In other words, I can relate. :-)

    • i’m so, so glad it’s not just me. because i really do this at least three times a day. as my sister pointed out, however, at least they weren’t on the top of my car – i’ve lost a cell phone and i don’t know how many starbucks that way. and losing coffee makes me very, very cranky.

  9. I absolutely love your blog posts! This one is no exception. I too used to carry your same purse around – you could fit a Volvo in it – in fact I think you’re carrying mine around now with all my hoarder shit in it – I stopped carrying a purse after having two kids because I realized you never, ever “reduce” after the diaper bag habit. Then the kids get older, they get more stuff – they expect you to carry it, in your BIG FAT PURSE. So no thanks – I put my ATM card, keys, and iPhone in my pocket and i’m off! Anyone wants me to stash something for ‘em – I don’t have anyplace. (-:
    With babies you can’t do this but when they get older you can!
    PS: I’m suspicious that there were no Cheezits found in the excavation of your purse?

    • thanks, it’s so mutual. i am totally a handbag-hoarder kind of girl – i never throw anything away in that bag. sadly, the only reason there were no cheezits is because i sent the hub to costco last time and he came home without, which caused a (major) uproar in my house. he can remember two cases of sam adams but not artificial cheese flavored crackers? sacrilege, mf’er.

    • well, i AM that kind of girl. okay, maybe not, but that’s a story i would love to be able to tell – how my underwear ended up in my purse on purpose! kind of a grey’s anatomy moment, circa 2008, no?

    • oh yes, those diapers are TOXIC. and this one was relatively mild or i would have noticed it earlier. but i’m glad you noticed the ladybug because that was one that also got me – is a small someone deliberating populating my purse with bugs, dead or alive? and what does that say about our mother-son relationship?

  10. Um. This is all shades of awsome! Why is it the purses literally swallow lip balm. I probably have half a dozen in there, but, despite endless digging, sometimes cannot fish out even one! And I’d be horrified if I had to display the contents of my purse anywhere. There’d definitely be some fecal or mucal disaster in there. (Sidenote: They make CHOCOLATE goldfish!?!? Are they chocolate or chocolate covered. If the latter: Did someone read my mind? I’ve been out of the country too long…)

    • oh yes, they make actual chocolate goldfish (like chocolate graham crackers). i spend a great deal of time trying not to eat them so there will be some left for dane. and failing. miserably. would you like me to send you some? does amazon ship to kenya?

      actually, i wonder if i could MAKE chocolate covered goldfish. kind of like chocolate covered pretzels? oh my, i sense a major time-wasting project in my future!

  11. My advice: get a smaller purse AND tell your kid to carry his own crap (just kidding… sorta… no really, I am). ;) This was really funny, I can totally relate. I’d lose my head if wasn’t screwed on. Great post!

    • ha! i’ve been working on getting him to wear a backpack but apparently it’s much easier just to thrust whatever he no longer wants imperiously back at me. if we ever have a second child, he’s in for a serious awakening!

  12. My purse is so big that my husband refers to it as my “suitcase” and sometimes asks if I’m running away from home!

  13. Isn’t every woman’s purse it’s own personal flea market? I love going to the in-home parties (i.e. Mary Kay, Thirty-One, etc.) and playing the ‘who has (insert item) in their purse?’ I always do so well at that game.

    • ha! my sister was sure they were on top of my car (this would not be the first time something has been lost up there). i’m trying to keep my car a little cleaner than in the past, but it’s tough – if i can keep the puffs and goldfish on the floor to a minimum, i’m usually satisfied.

    • EXCELLENT. every good southern woman needs a handbag the size of new hampshire – i think it’s some sort of law. also, at least one of them needs to be patent leather. and pastel.

  14. I can’t remember if I commented on this when I first read it and I’m way too lazy to check. But I read it again and it’s still hilarious!!! I recently found a used fork (the kind from my kitchen, not plastic) and a dirty sock in my purse. I get it, I really do!

    • ha! not two days later i went back into my purse for something and found two of dane’s socks stuffed down in there. the bad part is i can’t remember if he did that or if i did!

  15. thankful for you that the keys showed-up. i remember watching a lady hunt for her keys in a giant box of corn stalks at a farmers market (somehow she dropped them in there when she went to pick up a husk) we all tried to help, the keys never turned up, but about 20 minutes later or thankfully affable not grumpy husband did with the spare set. which reminds me, i should so have a spare set of car keys if mine ever go missing due to mommy brain, toddlers or deep boxes of corn husks.

  16. have to add my voice: smaller purse, lady, smaller purse. Of course, that’s a total do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do comment, b/c I am the queen of the canvas tote bag. I hate purses, mostly, and so end up always with the canvas satchel filled with…crap. Crumbs, shin guards, empty baggies, and assorted god knows what. What I have (slowly) learned is that if I don’t carry it, my kids can’t whine for it. Train Dane now: mommy doesn’t have a snack/toy/water/cookie/blankie/secretary/chef/driver/black Amex card. My kids regard me now, alas, as some kind of roving snack car and it’s a fat pain. You found your keys in your pocket. Ergo: you need only a pocket. Maybe.

    • i like your logic, but i have to admit part of the problem is my love of all things handbag-related. i have a little, ahem, “problem” with shoes and purses. i have started finding a lot of interesting things in my pockets, though (goldfish! smushed blueberries! bark mulch!), so maybe i’m moving in the right direction?

  17. First: there are CHOCOLATE goldfish? What?

    Second: Love the purse thing. I don’t really have one. I’ve tried a few times, but I destroy them, so I can’t justify spending money on one. Kind of silly, no?

    • hey, i’m all for simplification, and if i could lose a few handbag sizes, i’m pretty sure that would qualify. and oh yes, the chocolate goldfish… dee. lish.

  18. I kinda wish that it was cool for men to wear purses so that I could carry my whole life around with me, too.

    This was hilarious. MY favorite part was the fact that you include adult ibuprofen under “baby items.” Such a gem.

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